At this moment, I’m feeling overwhelmed by just about everything. There’s always so many things to do. I can’t keep up with all the posts I want to read on here and it’s even harder to find time to write a post. I thought at first that my main interest would naturally be art but I’m finding myself more drawn to people I relate to. Those who find themselves in a similar situation to myself. Mostly to do with my physical and mental health. I did have email notices at first from everyone I followed. Ahhhh! My inbox was incredibly full. If I’d spent the whole day reading posts I would still have not been able to read them all, let alone write one. I’m so tired as well. I have a vitamin deficiency. I shall find out more about this on Thursday, I think it’s vitamin D. I have a sudden run of exhibition work, one I need to take down on Thursday, one to deliver to on Tuesday, one I submitted to today, another coming up in June. I’m so pleased I didn’t accept the one in Chelsea that invited me, although I really hope that next year I will be able to take up more of these type of offers. As it is I can’t keep up with the local ones, especially as I’ve been unwell. That is nothing unusual though. I just hate that my health prevents me from reaching my potential. That each day I’m too tired to carry out all of the tasks I want to do. It’s so frustrating. At last I have the opportunities but cannot accept. I constantly live in hope that I will improve but when I’m depressed, it somehow seems more realistic to come to terms with the fact that this is permanent. I believe in my work and at last have some direction but I just don’t think I can do much with it. I am thinking of ways to overcome this and hopefully will but at the moment it all seems so distant and unachievable. I am so tired right now and need to go to bed. I have so many things I want to do! Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg!
Monthly Archives: April 2014
Morphine Withdrawal, The Clash and Hospital Stay etc
It seems I’m waiting for events at the moment. The court date when my ex is taking me to court to try to change the order for him to pay my mortgage! Nightmare! I did take all the debts, it’s not a one way thing. He is being unfair to be polite. If I wasn’t being polite, I would swear quite profusely! The birth of my first grandchild on the 1st October! Absolute joy but a little anxious too 🙂
Anyway, I wanted to write about my hospital experience from last August. Various things have made me think about it. I was doing so well before my operation. I had organised a large exhibition for the Essex County Council as part of the ‘Essex Summer of Art’, ‘A Cinematic Celebration’. I had day surgery booked and an exhibition planned for after the gall bladder removal. ‘Nothing to worry about’ I’d been told, ‘In and out on the same day’ OMG! I had to stay in after and then told I needed another operation. I was in agony and on a constant morphine drip with a button that I was pressing more than I should. After that I had to have drains for 2 weeks and could hardly move from the bed. Those 2 weeks do not seem so bad in comparison to what was to come. I came home and had a zimmer frame to get around! (I’m not that old!) The next day I had a couple of nurses come to help me get dressed etc. They told me I needed to see a doctor. I looked pregnant. I was thinking to myself ‘My gosh I put on weight in hospital, how did that happen?’ The doctor said I needed to go straight back to hospital, which I did and straight back into the operating theatre. This time I was in another ward, the last time I had been in a room of my own with en suite. At first things didn’t seem so bad but I had drains in again, my tummy looks like dot to dot, all the holes where they put them in and pulled them out. I began to get paranoid, totally drugged up on morphine, codeine and diazepam amongst other things. Then I decided I want no more drugs and I’m not having anyone poking around trying to get a cannula into a vein. So I stopped the morphine! Bad move, serious withdrawal. I was so sick. I won’t go into gory details but there are many. All I kept thinking about was the Clash song ‘Bank Robber’. I don’t know all the lyrics so just a repetition of, ‘My daddy was a bank robber, he never hurt nobody, he just loved to live that way, he loved to steal your money.’ To this day I’m sure that must have had some meaning. At the time it was just driving me insane (although I still love the music). That and the smell of the blanket that I couldn’t get out of my nostrils. The spider hallucinations weren’t bothering me. The fact that I couldn’t keep my legs still made it a hell of a night 😦
I didn’t realise until later that I could have died from the complications. Now, these days I really don’t like hospitals. I still have stomach pains but for the time being I have to tolerate them. I do have pethedine to manage the pain. If you have read my other posts you will know this caused quite a problem with my heart rate just the other day. I will do without that now. In fact I’ve also removed my morphine patch. Paranoia back again and pain. Life eh?
At least I have that off my chest. Therapeutic for me if not interesting for anybody else. The painting here was just another piece of therapy for me, I’d never think about selling it. It demonstrates quite a bit of what I have written here.
Hemmingway App and Artist’s Statement
I’ve just discovered a new website ‘Hemmingway app’. Basically you can write or edit in there and it will guide you on the readability of your blog. So I tried my artist’s statement and managed to get an 8 and ‘Good’. Hoping to improve. Anyway, here is my artist’s statement. As always you can find more at www.larainbriggs.com. The new painting you can win next month is pictured here, just sign up to the newsletter.
Artist Statement
Diversity in style and experimentation in media are essential to my creativity.
Despite describing myself as a painter, I work in mixed media to portray various styles and genres. I studied at Camberwell Art College Goldsmiths College, University of London and various other colleges. I have studied art therapy, psychology, fine art and computer aided visualisation. I enjoy the challenge posed by stretching my multi-disciplinary skills. I am inspired by my own psyche and investigating the unconscious through my art. I would also like to investigate consciousness and metaphysics. I have an interest in quantum mechanics and its relationship to this. I am particularly interested in psychologist Carl Jung, his writings, thoughts and philosophies. There is never enough time to study all the subjects I wish and create as well but it keeps me energised trying, and I’m never short of ideas.
Often, archetypal images have appeared in my work and fantasy is a style I enjoy. My work intends to tap into the psyche and resonate with the unconscious mind of the viewer. My interests change often. I remain consistent in my belief that the unconscious resonating with that of the viewer is universal. My aim is to express my emotions and to try and share my psyche with others. Recently I have been enjoying abstract art and mixed media. Previous to that I was studying colour theory. I study often and try to apply what I have learnt to new work, when appropriate. I would say I am an intuitive painter and prefer to discover my work rather than plan it. I trust in synchronicity and make the most of serendipity. I enjoy conceptual art but find it challenging. I have no rules or set routine for my work. I change it as often as possible and challenge myself. Having said that, at present I am painting a portrait in an impressionist style. I like to make sure that my drawing and technical abilities are well practiced. My aim is to create work that I feel somehow depicts the spiritual world in a visual way. My way of trying to achieve this is by approaching art from every direction that I can. It’s fulfilling and most of the time great fun, even when it’s a bit of a struggle. My art expresses all that I cannot express in any other way. If I achieved my aim then I believe it would be enlightening and uplifting for myself and others.
Some of my work and daily misfortune.
That’s enough for now, it’s always difficult to know which ones to choose. If you like these have a look at my website http://www.larainbriggs.com You can win one of my paintings on the 18th April if you sign up for the newsletter. Doesn’t cost you anything and the painting is up for £520. At least worth a look. I’m trying to get some more people to visit my site, so please share if you do. Anyway, that’,s my bit of marketing for the day. I’d given up on that for a bit. All I want to do is create, really I need an agent or manager.
Well the last two days have been strange. How to write something quite complex without it getting boring, any tips would be very much appreciated. I will try and be concise. Yesterday morning I felt so ill and had such pain in my stomach I couldn’t get out of bed and asked my son Jacob to get me some Pethedine. I’d forgotten that I’d recently had a morphine patch and added another antidepressant to my others. I’d been warned about ‘Seratonin Syndrome’ by the psychiatrist and was feeling incredibly ill. The stomach pain went away but I could hardly walk, my head was spinning. If anyone had seen me they would have thought that I’d drunk a bottle of vodka, plus! I couldn’t speak without slurring and I was sweating and extremely hot. Eventually I phoned the doctor. He said he didn’t think I had Seratonin Syndrome which by now I had fixated on in my confused and drunken like, drugged up state. He was concerned about the drugs I’d taken and said I must see my GP next day. Well today I thought I was feeling better but thought I’d check my pulse, it was 46 bpm :O !!!!! My breathing seemed to be about 8 bpm. Now, not fixated on seratonin syndrome but rather on death I phoned my doctor in a panic. The receptionist said she’d get the doctor to phone me. By now I was checking my pulse every 5 mins just to check I wasn’t dead. The dr phoned eventually and said get up here now for ECG. Well apparently it is very low, still is and I’m not well but all caused by the cocktail of medication I’m on. Oh, the fun of having bi-polar disorder as well as physical problems. Whilst there is breath left in me (if only 8 intakes per minute) I will continue to paint. I will also make sure I make it to my first grandchild’s birth in October and hopefully well beyond once I have the divorce court stress over with. I’m now with the mental health crisis team (no wonder). Life is so complex I can’t even explain it all but if anyone is a little curious about any of these issues I’d be glad to elucidate. Here’s hoping I haven’t been boring and that you have enoyed my art. Thanks for reading. There’s always so much more that I want to read than I can find time for so I do feel very privileged when anyone reads mine.
Beginning of a Bio
I’m not sure what I’m going to write today but I thought I’d just put my fingers on the keys and let them do their own thing. I used to be a touch typist so it makes it easy to just type as I think. The trouble is I don’t know what I’m thinking exactly, I don’t want anything too negative and it’s all heading that way. I’m so tired all the time and was hoping it was my thyroxine levels are just low which would be easy to remedy but unfortunately they aren’t. I just want to keep sleeping. I feel like it’s wasting my life. Maybe with a bit of luck I’ll have a high very soon and be twice as busy as usual.
Here’s a little personal history, just to get it down in writing for once. When I was 27 I moved to London to take my degree in fine art at Camberwell. I’d already started growing dreadlocks and was moved by Reggae music and the Rasta ideals. I’d been a Christian all my life but wasn’t keen on church doctrine, this seemed to suit me. I’d previously been a punk, clubbing in London and actually had dreadlock extensions. The club I went to mostly was Astral Flight at Fooberts, with Tracey my friend. I had a relationship with the DJ there ‘Wolf’. He was friends with Mick Jones and Joe Strummer from the Clash although I think by then Mick Jones was in Big Audio Dynamite. I wasn’t really into the celeb thing, never was and still am not so I didn’t really pay that much attention. I loved the DJing that Wolf did though and have tried to get in touch with him just to find out what he’s doing now but haven’t been able to. The Bat Cave was also run at Fooberts on the Wednesday, it was all part of the same crowd. Phil Salon, who ran Heaven, Rusty Eagon who produced music and DJayed at the Camden Palace etc. The Kit Kat club, quite a few I’m not sure where I was. We’d party the whole Saturday night and then all go on to someone’s flat, squat or a cafe. In some ways it was a good time but in others confusing. This was all before I started my degree or any of my formal art education, although at 14 I’d already had a painting in a gallery window display. so art was part of my life all the way through. I loved to dance to ‘White Wedding’ by Billy Idol the best and ‘Relax’, Frankie Goes to Hollywood but also loved hip hop, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five etc. I hadn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar at the time and I had little self awareness, there are lots of things I regret about this time. I just couldn’t seem to have a decent relationship and nothing really had any meaning. I had no direction. That would all change though but it took some time and I’m still not there.
I’d better stop there for now as it all gets complicated and is rather long. I haven’t even got to London yet, this was when I would commute at the weekends from Gravesend in Kent where I grew up. I’ll write another installment when I get the feeling I want to divulge although it all gets rather emotional, as life does I guess. Perhaps if I keep these all together I can create a biography from them but it always worries me how it might make my relatives sad or shocked. Having bi-polar has a very intense effect on life. More to follow……
larainbriggs 